last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
