There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
