I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
