just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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