You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
