So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
