Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
