genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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