Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
