I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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