She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
