The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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