I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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