I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
