i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
