Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
