Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
