It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
