I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize