I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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