I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
