I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
