i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
