I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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