I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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