We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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