I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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