i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
