hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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