The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
