I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize