I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I would fuck him just for his dog
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
