Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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