In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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