A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
