There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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