i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
