My room smells like vodka and shame
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
