Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He has the fingertips of a God
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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