It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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