I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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