You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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