It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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