Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
