I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
whose ass print is on the piano?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
