And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
