I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Who died my cat blue again?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
