A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize