No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
