we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I woke up under a house in Key West
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
