I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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