I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
