Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
