Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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