i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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