Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
