you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
The Olympian is in my bed
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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