people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
