when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
